Many times when I take Hannah to the doctor I am taken back to a time when I was full of hope. I had my tiny little Hannah home with me, and we talked to the doctor about bringing Samantha the next week. Bringing her back for checkups without Samantha was almost debilitating. My feet were lead and I felt disconnected from reality. What am I doing here with one baby? One particularly difficult incident was seeing someone I recognized from the NICU. her two little boys were across the room from my two little girls. She had two car seats with her. I had only one.
I can walk easily in now, I have been in many times since then. But I cried bitterly in the car, wishing I had my two girls to celebrate. I imagined how my double stroller would have helped me navigate the twin two year old girls through the parking lot and waiting room. I imagined how I would have sit in grateful wonder at how my tiny preemies had grown. I still sat in grateful wonder, but also in sorrow.
Missing my Samantha. Grateful for each moment I got to spend with her, and get to spend with her sisters.
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