Mother's Day 2013 without my daughter Samantha or my baby, Jordan

Flowers from DH

I had a wonderful Mother's Day spending time with my mom and my daughters.  I got to laugh and relax and receive a lot of love and give a lot of love.

Today for some reason it hit me.  Every once in a while I think to myself "remember when your daughter died?"  It was always there in my heart and then it just hits me in the face.  

I can't help imagining how different I would feel if Jordan were here.  I am so grateful for my daughters and my heart aches for the little 3 year old shadow next to Hannah and the little bundle in my arms.  

Incredible quilt from Aunt Lynn

I am so blessed to have a family that can appreciate how important it is to for my sweet daughter to be remembered.  My DH's aunt sent us this amazing quilt.  I haven't gotten the gear to hang it yet but I can't wait.  I find it so comforting.

I also got this drawing for myself.  A friend of mine is an artist and I found this piece so comforting.  The prayer is the end of the Hail Holy Queen.  I love how the light is a direct line from heaven shielding her from the rain/tears.  There are many things I love about it.

Samantha and Jordan were with me yesterday.  I wish they were here and I want so much to hold them and feel my family is complete.  I know I won't feel that way till I get to heaven.  Which has prompted me to get to confession many times.

I watched this video today and it made me so happy and sad.  Sad for myself and others who suffer the loss of a child or infertility but so happy that we can comfort each other and feel the understanding and love of a community that lives in "our world".

Three years ago I was reeling from the death of my daughter Samantha.  Two years ago I was dizzy.  A year ago I was still.  And now I am still standing.

This weekend is my sisters' baby shower.  She is expecting twins- and the truth is I am ecstatic- when I think about my new nieces.  But when events in her life reming me of mine- sometimes the memories are painful.  I am assuming she may read this at some point (Hi, Sissy) so I won't say too much about it.  But I am hoping that by talking about Samantha, writing about her and going ahead and crying I will be able to focus on the joy and challenges that my sister is and will be going through.

I don't come here very often, but when I do, I still love to see Samantha's little face and name on the screen.   I like to read my memories of her.  I like having somewhere I can go when I want to think about her and not feel alone.

Happy Birthday Samantha and Hannah!

It's just so fun to type that title and see it.  I finally found a way to acknowledge Samantha's Birthday as we celebrate Hannah's.  I ordered this on Etsy and so it was customized just the way I wanted it.  This even prompted a friend and a family member to bring me flowers to the party- I was so touched!

 I had already bought some flowers to honor her- lilies of course- yellow this time.  I also added some greenery for the baby we lost in August (and the yellow).

 I set out Samantha's Scrapbook and Hannah's baby book so people could flip through them.

We also did a balloon release.  I think I ordered these for her first birthday?  I could have been some other event, in any case I love having them and someday I will order more as we release more balloons for each year she would have been.

 This year was much easier than years past- I managed to enjoy Hannah's birthday more than ever before.  I still feel a little surprised sometimes when I realize we will have to celebrate another birthday witout her.  I miss her so much and I still love her as much as ever.  I got to visit the cemetery on her birthday with my husband and just remember what a beautiful little life she was.