Hannah's First Recital (without Samantha)

I know this will happen less as the girls get older, but every first, is a missed first for  me.  I know it was compounded by the fact that is was Mother's Day and all I wanted was to go to the cemetery (and hating that feeling that I want to go to the cemetery because I wish I didn't need to go to the cemetery).
Hannah is so tiny and she was so adorable and beautiful.  Everyone thought she was so cute, and I certainly agreed.  However I couldn't help imagining Samantha there.  And that feeling I used to get of everything in the world being as it should be.  I can't help wondering if I will ever feel that way again.  Whenever I get close there is an "except".
I wanted so much to hear her name with her sisters'.  I wanted to much to scream that there is someone missing here.  It's such a weird feeling to need to cry but not be able to.  My eyes tear up and it feels like there is a flood behind the dam but I can't open it even once I'm finally alone.  Mother's day is so different for people who have children who are not on earth.
I read an article about woman whose son recently died in a car accident.  I couldn't help thinking that poor woman has joined this horrific club of which I am a member.  It's different in so many ways since he was 21, but in so many ways it's the same too.  It brought back many memories for me of those early days of grief.  The feelings of shock.
I have been, as always, going through my scrapbook when I get a chance.  I want to sit down and write out some of the thoughts and memories that come to me when I do, however I am just trying to jot this down quickly before the oven starts beeping.
There it is.
I think the word that sums up how I feel right now its "ow".

Still Grieving

I posted on my online grief group about what really happened at field of flowers day.  It's always nice to have their understanding.  I try to act like I am a confident griever.  I tell others there is no wrong way to grieve, there is no time line, be gentle with yourself.  But taking that advice is so different.
At my in person grief group, we watched a video of a book called Tear Soup.  It was so good.  It reminded me of so many things I experienced especially the first year.  And made me realize that it's ok if I'm still making tear soup because I will always have some occasionally.
http://losjuanhijos.blogspot.com/2012/04/field-of-flowers-day-2012.html
It was a beautiful day.  I had been looking forward to it and there was this wonderful photographer who took these lovely photos.  Then it happened.
Facebook:

 Small vent... Saturday we went to the field of flowers day at the cemetery which we have attended every year. It was a beautiful day and the girls looked so sweet. Turn around and there they were... a man and a woman with a tiny baby in a bjorn on each of their chests. It was like sledge hammer. I tried to just keep going but I broke and just started balling. I'm two years out and it's been a long time since I cried like that. I just kept thinking, I had two little babies just like that- I wish I wasn't here! I bet they were visiting a grandparent (they weren't in the baby section). I just hate it when my "safe place" gets invaded. In a way it felt good to cry like that, but it hurt so much to be reminded of what I had and lost. SUCKS!!!

It still hurts so much.  I miss her everyday but now in the day in and day out it feels a little more distant and unreal.  I feel like my heart is protecting itself by creating a reality where she never existed.  Because when I realize that this thing really happened to me, it can be paralyzing.  It is amazing to me also how interconnected my grief is with my desire for another baby.  

I know I can never replace her, but the thought of having another baby is so joyous and comforting.  I am filled with hope and happiness just thinking about it.  But for several reasons this is not the time.  And suddenly that becomes a part of my loss.  Just another reminder that this horrible thing happened to me.  Not only will I never get to hold Samantha again but I may never have another baby.  And if I do it will likely be a traumatic experience for my whole family.

I will look at my scrapbook and give Hannah double kisses today.