Next to Normal

There have been many triggers in my life lately.  Hannah had an allergic reaction to her antibiotic.  Valentines and the super-bowl (which  both happened while my twins were in the NICU), ran into a friend who had twins at the same time as us (but hers both survived), many friends having babies, upcoming anniversaries.  I was so grateful that my support group met the other day so I could talk about all of this without fear, knowing they would understand the grief and pain these seemingly small events cause under my exterior togetherness.
Last night I went and saw a musical which that grief organization My Healing Place, invited us to.  It was about a woman whose baby died and triggered her into bi-polar disorder including delusions.  It was definitely a moving and effective piece with beautiful music.
I still can't decide if I'm really glad I went or not.  There were a few times where I almost lost it and started bawling uncontrollably.  However there was also much beauty and humor.  I often feel that "there but by the grace of God go I" in the sense that this character could have been me.  I could see myself spiraling that way.  Delusions can make the pain more bearable.
Some things I really related to were the feeling that you just remembered that your baby is dead.  They portray it very well.  The first part of the musical you think the son is alive- he is to the main character.  The way you suddenly find out that it's his birthday but he isnt there, is just how it feels when a birthday comes up.  It's as if you suddenly realize that because they are dead they won't be there this year either.  It was a very powerful moment.
Another thing that hit me was that they don't use the son's name.  The father won't say his name and we don't find it out until another beautiful moment when the father finally utters his name.  As you know, because of the title of this blog, this is a very important concept to me.  I can't imagine how much pain it would cause not to hear my baby's name for 18 years.
The hardest part of watching the play was that what happened to her makes great theater.  But it really happened to me.  All the actors got to go home and leave that terrible pain on the stage.  I took mine home with me.  Thier imaginary world which was a challenge and fascination to create is my actuality.
I used to tell myself "it's just a movie" if it was too sad or too violent.  But last night when I thought "It's just a play" so that I wouldn't start sobbing, I realized it wasn't  just a play to me.
I am glad I went.  I think I am going to buy the music because there were many songs that were so real and spoke to how I feel or have felt.  However it was hard. It wasn't a real loss but like a two way mirror, when I look at it I see my own loss.  And it's always hard to look your loss in the face.  Somehow hearing the words in music brings a small comfort that I am not alone in my pain.