18 Months and Counting

It isn't exactly what you would call a milestone.  But last year at this time (LYATT as I like to call it)  Alexandra and I made cupcakes and took them to the cemetery.  That wasn't practical today, but I really wanted to.  I am trying more than ever to remember the happy times with my sweet girl, including pregnancy.  What it was like to see this at the doctor's office. This ultrasound makes me feel so much less like a crazy person.  I really did have twins!  I carried them, I birthed them, I nursed them and I had the stroller!  I just didnt get to take them both home.
So on this the 18 month anniversary of the day I said goodbye to my sweet little Samantha,  I want to smile at her and say I love you.  I want to tell whoever will listen- Samantha was here.  She was and still is loved very much.

These are for a very special project for a group close to my heart.  Because it's far from where I live, I didn't join until recently maybe a month or two ago and I have been so grateful for the friendship and support I have found there.  My Healing Place is helping people at a time when they can barely go on with their lives.  This is very difficult work emotionally and physically.  Not to mention spiritually and intellectually!  They are having a luncheon in a few weeks- for more info go here.  I was so grateful to share these moments with my MIL and with the photographer.  I am so glad to have these pictures to honor Samantha.  Her scrapbook has meant a great deal to me. 
I often feel it was God who gave me that gift.  I went to a fundraiser with my mom only weeks after Samantha passed away.  There was a scrap-booking set which I wanted so much- my mom got it for me :).  The rest is history.  I knew as soon as I got it that it was for Samantha.  I had never really scrapped before so I didn't feel I knew what I was doing- but I needed something I could do for Samantha.  Something I could hold and touch and create.  I wanted to make something beautiful amid the horrific ugliness of my grief.  Everttime I went to buy paper or stickers there was a heaviness about it.  I wondered if the people at Hobby Lobby noticed I was crying.  At first I was looking for black paper.  Maybe white and gold for heaven and some little crosses.  But as I went along I found some beautiful kind of romantic paper.  This allowed me to be much more true to my hurt but also who she really was.  Her death did not define her life.  I was able to focus more on the special memories of the time I spent with her instead of saying goodbye.
This chance to add to my book and to capture where we are right now in honoring Samantha was such a gift to me.  I hope you can see how much we love her and miss her. And how this book has allowed me to share Samantha with my daughters.  They had such fun pointing out Mommy and Daddy and Sissy.  It was so therapeutic to create and so healing to look at. 
At my support group last night they asked a great question.  What did your loved one teach you?  I said "To be present for each moment"  Then she asked me "How?" Whew - what a question.  By her attentiveness and her bright eyes.  By her little cries and her nursing and her wiggling and her snuggling she gave me all these gifts and I wish I had been more present for each one.  As I write memories of her I am digging out those little treasures buried in the fog of NICU life.  But I want to make sure that I am present for all the moments I can of her sisters' lives because life is short.   Also, I am so glad to have people to share that with and to create moments like these pictures at My Healing Place.

Remembering and Missing my Girl

We have had such a hot summer.  I live near Austin and it has just been brutal.  Yesterday we had a "cold front" and it was so refreshing.  And all I could think about was how I will never share a brisk fall morning with Samantha.  I'm grateful for my family and I still enjoyed the day but I can't help that feeling of how beautiful life is and how much I wish I could have shared more of it with her.
Now these brush fires are scaring me to death.  I'm just feeling very anxious I guess and sad.
The one September I did have with Samantha was when she and Hannah were in my belly.  Actually I didn't even know at the time that I was carrying twins! 
This is from Sept 4th 2009 when I went to my first doctor appt.  I would have been about 10 weeks and totally oblivious to how my life would change forever.  It's interesting to me that last year I constantly thought about "last year at this time".  This year (the second year after Samantha's death)  I still think about 2 years ago at this time and also think about last year at this time.  On Sept 12th it will be 18 months since Samantha passed away.  Last year when it was 6 months Alexandra and I made cupcakes and we took them to the cemetery.  I think I may do something like that again.
I went to a support group last Thurs with my counselor who got me through last year.  It was around this time last year also that Alexandra got sick and was admitted to the hospital, so the change of weather also brings back some bad memories there especially since Alexandra had a fever yesterday.  It was neat to be there, I havent gone in a while, to think how much clearer things are this year and how much I have changed.  My whole perspective on life has changed, I hope for the better.
I don't want Samantha's legacy to be a broken mommy who cannot function although I barely did for some time after she died.  But now I want to honor her by showing how much I love her sisters and her daddy and hopefully choosing to follow God's path for me so that I can get to heaven to be with her again.
Her presence or her memory or something is just more with me right now than it has been recently.

A happy memory with Samantha- when I would make the trek to St. Davids to be with her it was truly a hike.  I was recovering from a c-section usually you recover for 6 weeks or so, but I didn't have time!  I drove the at least 30 min drive (trying to time it to minimize traffic) to downtown Austin.  Walk 5-10 minutes from the parking garage to the elevator then down a long hallway to the NICU where I had to sign in then find Samantha's room.  Then I still might have to wait to see her if there was no one to help me.  After a while, I got comfortable enough to stop asking.  It was really hard to get her out of the incubator because of all the wires.  After I got the hang of it I stopped asking if I could pick up my baby- I knew she needed me.  It killed me to think of her there all day all alone.  Sometimes her very sweet Grandma Susie would go and be with her.  We tried to make sure she was visited at least twice a day.  Many times Daddy came by after work.
Holding her was amazing.  It was quiet in the NICU, just the low voices of nurses and the occasional beeping of an monitor.  All I had to do at that moment was love on my girl.  I watched her make faces, I felt her squirm.  Many times I was there at her feeding time so there were times I tried to nurse her, she actually latched on pretty well but she didn't suck very well so I don't think she got much milk.  She sure was working hard though!  She loved to snuggle during Kangaroo Care.  This is the skin to skin contact they encourage with mommy to help with milk production- I was pumping for two at the time- I joined the 1,000ml club (that's for 1 day!!) and also it helps baby to recover faster.  Finally she was where she belonged.  When we did kangaroo care there was a sense of peace that I rarely experienced that that time.  I sat there with my eyes on the clock, calculating.  If I stay for just 5 more minutes I could still beat the traffic and make it to Round Rock Medical Center in time to feed Hannah then make it home for bedtime with Alexandra.  Then after 5 minutes- wait I still have to pump(which took at least 30 minutes) before I leave if I wait any longer I will catch traffic and miss Hannah's feeding time!  I could just go at the next feeding time 3 hours later after bedtime- but I need to rest so I can get up at 6 to be at the hospital again at 8 and I will be up every 3 hours pumping so really I should go.  All the while I'm snuggling my girl and squeezing each moment for love of her.  That damn clock.  I hate it!  Why is it time goes so slowly when I am waiting to hold her then it speeds past when I am holding her.  I took these with my phone.

Finally I say to myself "one, two, three" and I stand up.  One, two, three I open her incubator, one two three I start to set her down. I kiss her and kiss her and kiss her little head and tell her "I will be back as soon as I can.  I love you so much and I miss you.  You are doing great little girl just keep on healing and resting.  Soon you will be with your family."
Then the reverse trek and to Round Rock Medical Center to start all over again with Hannah.  Boy that was an exhausting time.  It's easy to not notice the pain from a c-section when your heart is breaking!  Leaving my angels at the hospital was like torture every time.  I cried and cried in the hallway of that NICU.  Cried down the elevator.  Cried walking to the parking garage.  And really cried in the car.  Then I tried to switch gears and remember that Hannah needed me too.  But she never needed me in the same way.  Samantha was recovering from surgery and was so far away.  Little Hannah was just trucking along through every milestone.
I wish I had a journal from that time so I could remember more vividly what I did each day- how many times I saw Samantha for how long.  I would like to get a copy of her medical records- since this does detail the moments of her life.  I'm glad I have the family blog to remember some of what happened.  I'm glad I have my sweet memories of Samantha even if they are all hard to remember.