I would love to say that I haven't posted because I've been too busy. Or that I decided I didn't need to write. It isn't any of that. It was so painful. I want to remember how it felt to hold her. I just wish I could remember her, I mean really like truly recall what it was like to have her here with me alive, without the pain. It's like my heart has this escape valve, a release valve, and when the pain is too much it's like my brain starts saying what if it hadn't happened. Why did it happen? Why us, why her? Oh wait that just makes it hurt more. And I try not to think about it. But then I feel guilty for acting as if she never existed. The fact is she does exist. It's just she isn't a part of my life in the way I would like.
Im planning a birthday party for one beautiful little girl. But I gave birth to two beautiful little girls two years ago so every time I write or say or see "Happy Birthday Hannah" I see "Happy Birthday Samantha and Hannah". Every. Time. I mean every time. I want to write it in. I want to correct this mistake. But this is my reality. I don't want Hannah to be punished because her twin died but it's a part of her reality too. I hope she can understand that someday. When she is 13 and blowing out her candles and she sees Mommy crying I hope she will hug me extra tight and not be angry. Because there is a name missing on her cake and I can't do anything about that. Except remind the people around me. I'm sure they haven't forgotten but they forget to reming me that they haven't forgotten.
At the same time I am grieving, I thank God for the grace to know that He is in control and that life is not random but has a purpose I cannot understand. I heard a beautiful story of a miracle where a prayer for a water bottle was answered and a baby's life was saved. I was so angry! Why could he send a water bottle but not heal Samantha's intestines!! Or just keep her from getting sick!? I prayed and prayed, was my prayer less worthy somehow? Then I remembered all the times in my life I felt I saw God in a flower or an act of kindness. Or heard His comfort on the radio or at mass just when I needed it. I felt his answer was "I am God. I love you. Whether I answer yes or no."
He is God. Each breath I take and each moment I got to share with Samantha was a gift. A gift I didn't deserve or earn. And when I didn't get the length of lifetime I was expecting- it sucked. But God's love didn't change. I continue to breath and look forward to eternity with Him and Samantha.
But it still hurts. I'm ordering some balloons to release on Samantha's birthday.
Hopeful and hurting,
Jaclyn
Graduation
1 year ago
