Today I can't help thinking about the day Samantha was transfered. I'll be honest. I wasn't that scared. I was in such a numb mode already from leaving my babies at the hospital when I was discharged the day before, that it hardly registered. I was glad that my Dad went with me to the hospital to visit the babies, since he could help me stay sane and even thought to snap a few pictures. When the doctor told me Samantha needed to be transfered, she touched my shoulder with compassion, but I just didn't feel anything. Maybe I was just so optimistic that I couldn't let myself consider the worst.
http://losjuanhijos.blogspot.com/2010/02/baby-prayer-request.html
It made me feel a little better when they didn't immediately rush her to surgery. I was assuming that meant there was still hope that everything was fine. Having her at another hospital complicated things in a way I never could have imagined. It was like having my heart stretched across the city.
http://losjuanhijos.blogspot.com/2010/02/samantha-at-st-davids-medical-center.html
I was so sleep deprived and uncomfortable. I was functioning just enough to pump every three hours and be with my babies as much as possible. I remember the first time I did kangaroo care I cried because Samantha was finally back where she belonged. It was hard enough leaving her at RRMC just down the street and next to Hannah. Leaving her at St. David's was even harder because we knew she wasn't doing well and they didn't know what was wrong. Holding her was all I could do to help and I wished I could do it all day long, but I had two other daughters who needed me and I was recovering from surgery myself.
I have so many things I wish I had done. I wish I 'd gained more weight when I was pregnant (to 32 weeks I had only gained 30 lb.) I wish I had eaten more protein (I was counting grams of protein but only enough for one baby) I wish I hadn't gone to the gym that week before the babies came, I wish I hadn't taken any medicine for anything.
But since Hannah is healthy I can't assume that anything I did caused her condition. It does make me crazy that she had intestinal problems then died of an intestinal disease and they couldn't give me any information about how they were related. Surely that's not a coincidence.
Sometimes I look at pictures of Samantha and I can hardly believe she was real. Other times when I remember these early days, I can't believe she isn't here.
The Hallway of Hope
There is a really amazing series of pictures in the hallway of St. David's Medical Center which leads to the level III NICU. There are triplets and micro-preemies who are now healthy normal children enjoying life. There are picture of children swimming, dressed up for Halloween and just playing on playgrounds. These pictures gave me such hope. I set my eyes on the future and held my breath until the moment I would have a complete heart again.
After Samantha passed away I often thought of that place and how I fantasized about Alexandra standing in the hallway, since children were not allowed even in the waiting room. And I would bring Samantha out to meet her and she would squeal with delight and I would finally have my family together. Now for me it was a hallway of lies instead of hope. How could those pictures promise me a future? How could they get my hopes up when in reality it was all still so fragile?
Now of course I realize that we need that hope. And that it isn't a lie but hope is also not a promise. It is only a possibility that we must believe in for life to be possible.
Breast milk Success
One thing I am grateful for and that went well was pumping milk. From the moment the babies were born nurses were bringing a pump and waking me up to pump. I have a pile of logs from when I recorded just about every ounce of milk I pumped. I wish Samantha could have gotten some of the colostrum. But we did everything we could to keep them supplied with plenty of mamas milk. The hospitals and nurses made it about as easy as humanly possible. And there were lactation consultants there to help every step of the way. I was very anxious about getting the babies to nurse since they would be using a bottle first. It was very confusing that they needed to use pacifiers to strengthen thier sucking and I was also worried about how to nurse them together eventually. In the end they were both pretty good nursers and Hannah is still nursing before bed (okay, and when she wakes up too).
Today
David's grandparents are here for Hannah's birthday. It is such a blessing to have them- but that also reminds me of then they came for the funeral. I couldn't believe I only had one baby to introduce to them. I knew she felt my pain because she had twins. I'm sure she couldn't imagine life without both her twins.
Hopefully Hannah's second birthday party will be a celebration of Hannah's life as well as acknowledgment of our never ending love for Samantha.
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