When Family Comes to Visit *warning * casket photo

These pictures are from March 14 and 15, 2010 (Samantha passed away March 12, 2010).  I can't help being reminded of this time when David's grandparents come to visit.  It seems like it never even happened.  The photos make me feel a little less crazy.  17 months ago when they were here, this is where my daughters were.  I know that may seem a little morbid but it's not meant to be.  I only want to acknowledge that my heart went to this moment today. 
I think every time family comes to visit or we go to visit family, there is a part of me that wonders- where would Samantha have sat?  Who would have held her while I held Hannah- or now chased is more like it.  It's especially hard when we see David's Grandparents, not only because it reminds me of when they came for the funeral, but also because my father in law is a twin.  I can't help imagining all the things we would have been talking about.  How to get their schedules to match, how much work it is having two toddlers.  How to make sure they both get attention and individual identities.  I would have asked her how she did it with hers and we would have that common twin mom bond that we did have for 8 months.  Now I try not to think about it.  When they come I try to think of some way to share Samantha with them.  Show them my scrapbook or some new frame I bought for one of her pictures.  I plan to invite them to go with us to the cemetery. 

It was so frustrating that so many people in our family never got to meet her.  We just never thought we would run out of time like that.  I miss her so much.  I am trying to make her a part of my life in new ways but it isn't the same and it sometimes just feels like a lie.  She doesn't feel like a part of our lives at all- it's as if I am pretending something that isn't true. It certainly doesnt seem to be true for everyone else. But I do believe in heaven and the communion of saints, so I try to remember that even if I don't like the way things are- she is still there. This picture was taken February 25, 2010.  I still don't want to believe she is gone. But it would be even worse to feel she never was. 
You were so beautiful even in death.  I remember you my sweet angel.  I miss you.  Please say a prayer for your mommy's heart to be healed.  I love you.