The Invisible Current

As I cope with my day to day struggles I often wonder how my grief effects my emotional state.  If I am feeling depressed or anxious I don't know if it's really caused by what is happening or if it's just the undercurrent of grief coming to the surface.  Last night I couldnt sleep. My mind was filled with thoughts of the moment the doctors came and told us Samantha wouldn't make it.  Why didnt I ask more questions?  I should have demanded that they at least try to heal her!  All the surgeon could say was "I'm sorry".  Actually she knelt beside me and had to repeat herself.  That moment is frozen in my mind.  It never ends.  I am living that moment right now- still reeling from the reality that Samantha is never coming home.
I want so much to remember the beautiful moments.  Holding her, nursing her, changing her diapers.  Bringing the car seat to her- boy that was a great day.  But each amazing moment is so bittersweet. I try to rewrite the moments that should have been beautiful.  The day she was born for starters. 
The first time I saw her I was on a hospital bed being wheeled past her incubator.  I was groggy but seeing her beautiful face made it all worth it.  I was so relieved to see her chest rise and fall.  Then to be wheeled by another beautiful face- also mine!!!  I gently caressed each precious head.  The nurses instructed me not to stroke them because it was too stimulating and would bother them, so I held my hand still on one tiny body and then the other.  Thank goodness David, my husband, had the presence of mind to snap a few pictures.


However the way I really remember it- not being able to touch them and seeing them so frail and naked, sprawled among the wires and tubes was horrifying.  I was grateful they were alive, but they did not look well.  The moments when we should have all been snuggling together on my chest, they were alone, separated from each other and me, comforted only by beeps and an occasional diaper change and temperature check.

I suppose it might make more sense to write this blog more like a story and go from beginning to end.  Since it is for me to share, I think I will just tell the parts that come to me.