Relationships

Grief is like a windshield wiper for your relationships.  Any gunk that was there just wipes away.  You see the other person for who they really are.  After my daughter's death I knew more certainly than ever in my life that my husband is the man meant for me.  His love is so pure and strong.  Whenever I am mad at him or start to think- will things ever get better?  I remember the moment we found out Samantha wasn't going to make it.  We clung to each other.  As long as he was there I felt I could make it another day.  Also, I remember that our lives are short.  I want to spend my time with him enjoying life, not arguing or complaining.
My situation was unique because I moved right because my babies were born.  I moved back to my hometown so I had that advantage, but it was difficult.  Most of the people who had been there when I announced my pregnancy and found out we were having twins were in a different city.  All the people around us were parent's friends and people from our parish where we were sort of new.  Many of my new friends didn't seem to really "get" my loss.  I was pregnant and I eventually came home with a baby.  I think to them my arms seemed full even when they were aching to hold the two babies that I gave birth to.
I had the same problem I read about in some of the other blogs responding to the hop about relationships.  There was an outpouring of support.  Until after the funeral.  Then it was just us.  I still look through my book where all the people signed in at the funeral and go through the cards I received.  I actually have one or two family members or friends who have sent cards since then.  I don't know if anyone realizes how much it still effects my everyday life.  How could they?  That's part of why I started this blog.
As far as family goes I have been abundantly blessed.  Both sides of our families have never said "get over it" or insinuated as much.  I am so very grateful that my sister talks to me about it and allows me to cry with her.  I know it's a heavy burden to hear a grown woman sob and moan.  It takes a lot of trust to share that and a lot of compassion to be willing to share that weight.
The other really difficult relationships to me are the new ones.  I just met a group of new friends and none of them know about Samantha.  I wanted so much to talk about her today during a conversation about naming babies, but I want to wait until I know them a little better.
My only advice is to be forgiving and communicate what you need.  People are not mind readers but generally they would like to give you what you need.  They just have no idea what that is.  A note, a call, an email, or having a friend talk to someone can be all it takes to get people to start or stop talking about your loss.
This can be very difficult, especially with people you aren't close to.  I like to take any opportunity that arises.  A conversation about naming children, about being pregnant, about finding out the sex of the baby, about birth.  Any chance I can share about Samantha and show how much I enjoy talking about her helps others to feel better about it.
We went to visit my mother's aunt whom we rarely see and my mom brought pictures of all her grand-kids.  So I brought my brag-book with pictures of Samantha.  I think they saw how much I needed to talk about her and it helped that they seemed to really care and wanted to know what happened.  I don't sugar coat it if I can help it.  I just try to say how much I love her and how much I miss her.