Wishing for More Pictures

Me and my twins.
Just beginning to write about Samantha's life has made her so much more real to me again.  Sometimes I feel as if I imagined the whole thing.  Yesterday we went to the cemetery to visit Samantha's "spot" as we call it for my daughter.  There was a funeral at the time which brought back all kinds of memories. At Samantha's funeral I felt as if I had to be carried from the car.  I couldnt get out of the car.  She had been dead for days and yet, here I was struggling to say good bye.  Sometimes I wish I had screamed at the funeral.  I feel like maybe it wasnt clear to all who were there just how I felt.  But I assume they knew.  I wish I had some pictures from the funeral. I just scrapped the ones from the rosary and it is so nice to see them looking beautiful and acknowleding my experiences.  I am thinking about emailing everyone I know just to see if anyone might have pics but didnt want to or forgot to tell me about them.  At the rosary I was sort of in a wierd mood.  Even though it was obviously sad- I hadnt gotten to share my daughters with anyone!  They were in the NICU and Hannah even when she came home couldn't have visitors because of the risk of getting sick.  So here I was with an opportunity to tell everyone how special Samantha was.  I told them everything about her.  Some people shared with me stories of loss- some kind of inappropriately but I tried to be compassionate.
One of the best things someone did for me was to just show up.  A very dear friend of mine came and camped out in a hotel and said- call if you need me, or come over if you want, otherwise just forget Im here.  It was a lifesaver.  And then there was the food- oh there was food everywhere.  Not only was it a comfort to know we were not alone, but it was a comfort to eat without thinking.  If I had needed to think, I probably would have starved.
Being at the cemetery is always sad and somehow wonderful.  I feel like I am with her in a special way.  "I believe in the resurrection of the body"  This is something I have said every Sunday as a part of the apostles creed and never really gave another thought to.  We are human- we are body-spirits.  So I do feel that having her body there is special to me.  I imagine her on the day of the Resurrection.  Fully glorified body revealing her true self.  I can't wait to hug her.
It's nice to see her name, even if it is on a headstone.  And nice when people want to "see" her.  No matter how hot it is, it's hard to leave.  I like having our family sort of together.  I want to say more about her life and stop talking about her death but I guess that's where I am right now.  A lady at mass recognized me and asked which was the twin and how did she die.  In a way I thought it was a little nosy- but mostly I was happy to talk about her and that someone cared enough to ask. She said- that was horrible.  I said- it is horrible.  I always want to say "but" after that.  There really is no "but" although there are "and"s.  AND I am grateful for Hannah and Alexandra.  AND I am grateful for each moment I spent with Samantha.  The lady thought she had died before birth- not that it matter so much- but it does to me.  I spend 40 days expecting to bring her home.  It's nice to have her acknowledged.  Even by someone I really don't know.

When Family Comes to Visit *warning * casket photo

These pictures are from March 14 and 15, 2010 (Samantha passed away March 12, 2010).  I can't help being reminded of this time when David's grandparents come to visit.  It seems like it never even happened.  The photos make me feel a little less crazy.  17 months ago when they were here, this is where my daughters were.  I know that may seem a little morbid but it's not meant to be.  I only want to acknowledge that my heart went to this moment today. 
I think every time family comes to visit or we go to visit family, there is a part of me that wonders- where would Samantha have sat?  Who would have held her while I held Hannah- or now chased is more like it.  It's especially hard when we see David's Grandparents, not only because it reminds me of when they came for the funeral, but also because my father in law is a twin.  I can't help imagining all the things we would have been talking about.  How to get their schedules to match, how much work it is having two toddlers.  How to make sure they both get attention and individual identities.  I would have asked her how she did it with hers and we would have that common twin mom bond that we did have for 8 months.  Now I try not to think about it.  When they come I try to think of some way to share Samantha with them.  Show them my scrapbook or some new frame I bought for one of her pictures.  I plan to invite them to go with us to the cemetery. 

It was so frustrating that so many people in our family never got to meet her.  We just never thought we would run out of time like that.  I miss her so much.  I am trying to make her a part of my life in new ways but it isn't the same and it sometimes just feels like a lie.  She doesn't feel like a part of our lives at all- it's as if I am pretending something that isn't true. It certainly doesnt seem to be true for everyone else. But I do believe in heaven and the communion of saints, so I try to remember that even if I don't like the way things are- she is still there. This picture was taken February 25, 2010.  I still don't want to believe she is gone. But it would be even worse to feel she never was. 
You were so beautiful even in death.  I remember you my sweet angel.  I miss you.  Please say a prayer for your mommy's heart to be healed.  I love you.