Now these brush fires are scaring me to death. I'm just feeling very anxious I guess and sad.
The one September I did have with Samantha was when she and Hannah were in my belly. Actually I didn't even know at the time that I was carrying twins!
This is from Sept 4th 2009 when I went to my first doctor appt. I would have been about 10 weeks and totally oblivious to how my life would change forever. It's interesting to me that last year I constantly thought about "last year at this time". This year (the second year after Samantha's death) I still think about 2 years ago at this time and also think about last year at this time. On Sept 12th it will be 18 months since Samantha passed away. Last year when it was 6 months Alexandra and I made cupcakes and we took them to the cemetery. I think I may do something like that again.
I went to a support group last Thurs with my counselor who got me through last year. It was around this time last year also that Alexandra got sick and was admitted to the hospital, so the change of weather also brings back some bad memories there especially since Alexandra had a fever yesterday. It was neat to be there, I havent gone in a while, to think how much clearer things are this year and how much I have changed. My whole perspective on life has changed, I hope for the better.
I don't want Samantha's legacy to be a broken mommy who cannot function although I barely did for some time after she died. But now I want to honor her by showing how much I love her sisters and her daddy and hopefully choosing to follow God's path for me so that I can get to heaven to be with her again.
Her presence or her memory or something is just more with me right now than it has been recently.
A happy memory with Samantha- when I would make the trek to St. Davids to be with her it was truly a hike. I was recovering from a c-section usually you recover for 6 weeks or so, but I didn't have time! I drove the at least 30 min drive (trying to time it to minimize traffic) to downtown Austin. Walk 5-10 minutes from the parking garage to the elevator then down a long hallway to the NICU where I had to sign in then find Samantha's room. Then I still might have to wait to see her if there was no one to help me. After a while, I got comfortable enough to stop asking. It was really hard to get her out of the incubator because of all the wires. After I got the hang of it I stopped asking if I could pick up my baby- I knew she needed me. It killed me to think of her there all day all alone. Sometimes her very sweet Grandma Susie would go and be with her. We tried to make sure she was visited at least twice a day. Many times Daddy came by after work.
Holding her was amazing. It was quiet in the NICU, just the low voices of nurses and the occasional beeping of an monitor. All I had to do at that moment was love on my girl. I watched her make faces, I felt her squirm. Many times I was there at her feeding time so there were times I tried to nurse her, she actually latched on pretty well but she didn't suck very well so I don't think she got much milk. She sure was working hard though! She loved to snuggle during Kangaroo Care. This is the skin to skin contact they encourage with mommy to help with milk production- I was pumping for two at the time- I joined the 1,000ml club (that's for 1 day!!) and also it helps baby to recover faster. Finally she was where she belonged. When we did kangaroo care there was a sense of peace that I rarely experienced that that time. I sat there with my eyes on the clock, calculating. If I stay for just 5 more minutes I could still beat the traffic and make it to Round Rock Medical Center in time to feed Hannah then make it home for bedtime with Alexandra. Then after 5 minutes- wait I still have to pump(which took at least 30 minutes) before I leave if I wait any longer I will catch traffic and miss Hannah's feeding time! I could just go at the next feeding time 3 hours later after bedtime- but I need to rest so I can get up at 6 to be at the hospital again at 8 and I will be up every 3 hours pumping so really I should go. All the while I'm snuggling my girl and squeezing each moment for love of her. That damn clock. I hate it! Why is it time goes so slowly when I am waiting to hold her then it speeds past when I am holding her. I took these with my phone.
Then the reverse trek and to Round Rock Medical Center to start all over again with Hannah. Boy that was an exhausting time. It's easy to not notice the pain from a c-section when your heart is breaking! Leaving my angels at the hospital was like torture every time. I cried and cried in the hallway of that NICU. Cried down the elevator. Cried walking to the parking garage. And really cried in the car. Then I tried to switch gears and remember that Hannah needed me too. But she never needed me in the same way. Samantha was recovering from surgery and was so far away. Little Hannah was just trucking along through every milestone.
I wish I had a journal from that time so I could remember more vividly what I did each day- how many times I saw Samantha for how long. I would like to get a copy of her medical records- since this does detail the moments of her life. I'm glad I have the family blog to remember some of what happened. I'm glad I have my sweet memories of Samantha even if they are all hard to remember.
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