The Big Questions

Tonight I had the pleasure of going to my bimonthly safe place.  That comfy hug that waits for me on the calendar- my healing place.  I get a little nervous sometimes when the conversation borders on religion, and today it was right in my face.
I used to think it made me uncomfortable because I wanted so badly to correct people or to explain why what they were saying wasn'

http://www.amazon.com/Cojo-Grief-David-Kauffman/dp/B000YAADKI

t or couldn't be true.  Especially if it's someone of my own faith or talking about my religion.  But tonight I realized that those things were easier to acknowledge than my own doubt and my own questions.
No one likes being wrong.  Do I believe that we are all right when it comes to religion?  No.  Does that mean I need to convince everyone else that I am right? No also.  And do I ever wonder if it's all hooey?  Yes.  How could I know what truth is if I never ask if it could be wrong?
After college (as I did after high school) I thought I had arrived.  What a long and arduous journey of questioning and researching, praying and reading, discussing and pondering I had been on.  And here I was on the other side- better for all my struggling and searching.
Then Samantha died.  I am glad I had supportive friends and family and a faith community and spiritual direction.  But this time I know better.  I know I won't arrive until the day I die.  So this has inspired me to pick up something my mom bought me that I have hidden on a shelf in my house and deep in my heart.
Cojournal- companion on the journey series- Grief the journey through loss.  It is a journal and CD.  Many times when I have asked God how He comforts me, music has come to mind.  As a musician this ought to be just what I need, and in the past was a little too intrusive.  I didn't sing at all for weeks, maybe months, after Samantha died.  It was hard to sing at all.  Or allow music to touch me.
Well Samantha and Hannah's birthday has officially passed and it is my official season of grief.  Soon it will be March 12 and I will be amazed and horrified that it's been 4 years.  So I take this time to work through my grief in a new way.
Asking the questions my heart truly wonders.  Allowing my heart to be honest with God about my doubt and fear.  Those hard questions that I am just now, rounding the corner of year four, can really ask, knock and seek.