Hannah's first trip to the beach

This weekend I had the huge blessing and surprise of getting to go to South Padre Island with my family and my parents.  I have been wanting to go (I always want to go) especially since last fall when the "fog" began to lift.
It was a little strange feeling so happy and not seeing the shadow.  I didn't feel the empty space at first.  Then Saturday night we went to mass and the reading was the story of Jesus healing the hemoraging woman and the young girl.  There also happened to be twin baby boys sitting in front of us and a baptism, which didn't help.
Mark 5:21 This was the Gospel reading.  It is full of hope.  And yet for me it is hard to hear.  During the hour that I waited to hear back from the surgeons about how severe Samantha's condition was, I called upon this reading to comfort and encourage myself.  I reached and and touched Jesus' cloak.  I implored him to save my daughter as he saved the young girl in the story.  In my heart I trusted through my fear that he would protect her and take care of her.  Even though I know he did in the most important sense take care of her, I was shocked and devastated when he didn't heal her body as I had asked.
Why not my daughter?  I can't help still asking even 2 years and 3 months later.
In South Padre, the next day bright and early I was blessed with a beautiful morning on the beach.  There was some fussing and crying from Samantha's twin, Hannah, now 2 and 5 months, but after a while we played in the waves.
I sat in the sand right where the waves were kissing the beach.  She sat on my lap facing me with her sweet head on my chest and arms around me.  We just sat like that holding each other for a long time.  Her beautiful hair was sticking together in perfect brown curls and her face was covered with sand.  The morning light glowed behind her like a halo.  Her sweet little body felt so safe and warm in my arms.  I began to cry, thinking of my little angel I'll never hold like that.
The waves gently lapped in and out, then got stronger and pushed me to the side then pulled me back.  I allowed them to move me as I cradled Hannah's body.  Then came a bigger wave and knocked me over.  Then it tried to suck me out.  It's power made me think of that moment I was brought to yesterday.
That moment when my baby was seriously sick and there wasn't anything I could do but cling to her and to hope, as I did to Hannah's body as the waves hit me.  I imagined the sea pulling my sweet Samantha from my arms.  Me, helpless against it's power, yet grasping and reaching desperately.
I didn't exaclty let go, but succumbed to it.