Hannah's First Recital (without Samantha)

I know this will happen less as the girls get older, but every first, is a missed first for  me.  I know it was compounded by the fact that is was Mother's Day and all I wanted was to go to the cemetery (and hating that feeling that I want to go to the cemetery because I wish I didn't need to go to the cemetery).
Hannah is so tiny and she was so adorable and beautiful.  Everyone thought she was so cute, and I certainly agreed.  However I couldn't help imagining Samantha there.  And that feeling I used to get of everything in the world being as it should be.  I can't help wondering if I will ever feel that way again.  Whenever I get close there is an "except".
I wanted so much to hear her name with her sisters'.  I wanted to much to scream that there is someone missing here.  It's such a weird feeling to need to cry but not be able to.  My eyes tear up and it feels like there is a flood behind the dam but I can't open it even once I'm finally alone.  Mother's day is so different for people who have children who are not on earth.
I read an article about woman whose son recently died in a car accident.  I couldn't help thinking that poor woman has joined this horrific club of which I am a member.  It's different in so many ways since he was 21, but in so many ways it's the same too.  It brought back many memories for me of those early days of grief.  The feelings of shock.
I have been, as always, going through my scrapbook when I get a chance.  I want to sit down and write out some of the thoughts and memories that come to me when I do, however I am just trying to jot this down quickly before the oven starts beeping.
There it is.
I think the word that sums up how I feel right now its "ow".